


I Know Now

by crackheaddestiel



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Castiel and Dean Winchester are fighting, Dean is not dealing with his own emotions very well, Human Castiel in the Men of Letters Bunker (Supernatural), I found inspo for this from a song, M/M, Sam is trying really hard to be a good friend
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-26
Updated: 2020-05-26
Packaged: 2021-03-02 23:35:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,160
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24385180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crackheaddestiel/pseuds/crackheaddestiel
Summary: This is basically a short angsty fic based off of the song Last Time by Reece. Don't worry, if you have heard the song before and know what it's about, the fic is only partially based upon the lyrics and then ends up as a spinoff with a happy ending. I'd recommend listening to the song before reading just to get a sense of what it's about. It's set in season 9 (i think... it has been a while sorry) and is after Cas decides to stay in the bunker while as a human.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 6





	I Know Now

Castiel couldn’t take it anymore. Him and Dean had been fighting for weeks, and showed no signs of stopping. 

It hadn’t really been that bad, just angry squabbles and mean words. But today had changed that. Dean had finally crossed the line, and it was too much for Cas. 

They had been in the kitchen arguing again over Cas going hunting as a human, now that his grace was gone. Obviously, Cas thought he was more than qualified, what with being a (former) angel of the lord. And yet Dean still refused. 

_ Does he think I’m not strong enough?  _ Cas wondered.  _ Does Dean not think I can do it? That I will hurt him more than help him? _

Cas didn’t know how to react, so instead he blurted out, “You’ve put people in danger before on hunts too, Dean. People die all the time when you try to save them. Can I be that much worse?”

Cas immediately regretted opening his mouth as Dean lowered his green eyes to his blue ones in a predatory stare. 

“At least I didn’t betray my friends and almost get them killed.” he growled. “At least I didn’t go missing for a  _ year  _ without telling you. And at least  _ I  _ didn’t lock up Heaven and cause the angels to fall!” 

Cas fell silent. He stared open-mouthed at Dean, shocked. Yes, he had made mistakes in the past, but he had atoned for those. Dean had to know that he had sacrificed everything to make things better with the Winchesters. 

Dean looked at Cas, eyes full of regret. “Cas--you know I didn't mean…”

Cas stumbled quickly out of the kitchen, heading for his bedroom. He could feel the warm roll of tears on his cheeks--still a foreign concept to him--as he slammed his door shut.

_ Did Dean still blame him for all of that?  _ Cas felt as if he were going to throw up. 

There was knocking at his door.

“Go away, Dean!” Castiel shouted.

The pounding stopped, and he could hear Sam’s muffled voice through the door.

“Cas… can I come in?” Sam asked.

Cas lifted a hand to make the door open with his grace, and sighed inwardly when it didn’t work. He stood up and opened the door himself. It felt like a part of him was missing, with his grace gone. This put him on edge, which was probably why he had picked all those fights with Dean. Not that that mattered now.

“Hey, Cas.” Sam said cautiously, “What’s wrong? Did you and Dean have another fight?”

Cas reluctantly nodded, eyes still red from crying. Cas didn’t want to tell Sam how much Dean’s words had affected him this time. The two other men never talked much about their feelings to anyone but each other. Cas didn’t want to bother Sam with his traitorous emotions. 

Sam started to say something about finding Dean and making him apologize, but Cas cut him off.

“He said he didn’t mean it.” 

“Just because he said he doesn’t mean it, does not mean that he said sorry.” Sam countered.

Cas sighed, “I don’t really see the point anymore. Clearly I’m just a distraction to Dean. Maybe I should just leave.”

Sam mumbled incoherent words of protest, but Cas ignored him. If this was what Dean wanted, then so be it.

Cas hurried to grab the few belongings that he had kept at the bunker, and shoved them roughly into a backpack. He no longer cared if he hurt Dean’s feelings, because Dean had continuously poured salt in the wound that was Cas’s heart. And that wasn’t something that Cas could easily let go of. 

“Cas, maybe you should just try talking to Dean.” Sam pleaded. “I know Dean better than anyone, and if--”

Cas cut him off. “I don’t care, Sam. I know now.” his voice broke. “Dean doesn’t want me around. He still blames me for my mistakes in the past. He probably regards me as the broken, heartless angel that ruins his life.”

“But--”

“No.” Cas’s words were harsh. “If you were ever my friend, my family, you would let me do this.”

Sam was quiet for a long time. Then, he simply left the room without another word.

Good. Cas heaved a sigh of relief. He couldn’t help it. He started to cry again. Hearing those words-- words of his failure and cowardice-- hurt him in a way that cut deep below the surface. But to hear them from Dean, of all people, broke him in an inexplicable way that fractured his very soul. 

Cas hefted the backpack over one shoulder with trembling hands, not sure of what he was doing, just knowing that he needed to get  _ away.  _ His heart felt so heavy inside his chest.  _ I know now. _ He had said. _ I know now.  _

He trudged out into the hall heading for the war room. Cas could hear the mixtape Dean had given him scraping against his metal water bottle. He knew he should throw it out, or burn it, but made no move to do so. Cas quietly crept up the stairs, each step leading him closer to the door. 

“Cas?” a strained voice whispered from the bottom of the stairs.

His heart still lurched a little when he heard his name on the other man’s lips. Dean.

“What,  _ Dean _ ?” he asked simply, because he couldn’t say anything else without breaking down. 

“Cas, where are you going man?” Dean asked, and Cas finally turned to face him.

Dean looked messed up. Like, someone-kicked-a-puppy messed up. And, were those tears?

“I’m leaving.” he said matter-of-factly. “I’m obviously a nuisance to you and Sam, and am just making your life harder. You basically said so yourself.”

“Cas, look, I’m really sorry for what I said. I was being stupid, and I just wanted to hurt you. In reality, the only reason I ever picked those fights was because I was angry with myself.” Dean laughed, on the edge of hysteria. “When you got angry, it gave me an excuse to let go of all my own resentment and rage. Today, you basically surfaced all of that. It made me go crazy and that’s on me. It was never your fault, Cas. I am so sorry.”

Cas was speechless.

“You will never be a burden to me and Sam.” Dean added. “We love you.  _ I  _ love you, man.”

He had absolutely no idea how to respond to that. So, instead, Cas scrambled down the stairs to stand right in front of him. 

“I love you too, Dean.” he whispered.

Dean pulled him into a bone-crushing hug, holding onto him like a lifeline. “I’m so sorry, Cas.” Dean said again, voice slightly muffled.

“Can we please just stop fighting and talk to each other like normal people?” Cas asked.

Dean pulled away, chuckling quietly. “Yeah, man. But I’m pretty sure we’ll never be normal people.”

And then Dean kissed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope you enjoyed this because it's the first time in weeks I've felt motivated to do anything besides scroll through Tumblr :) Anyways, thank you so much for reading I hope y'all have a great day/night!


End file.
